Written by Dawn Williams Llewellyn.
When your child dies, you are forced into a new way of being no one would ever choose. It feels like you are suddenly stranded in a desert of pain where all you can do at first is live in the past and the memories of times when your family was whole.
We all have those big moments in life we will never forget; they are etched into our consciousness as pivotal memories. They may be glorious or devastating – sometimes they are both. I have had many devastating, sorrowful memories I will never forget, the pain will never leave me.
There are images of sorrow and pain so intense they make me cry…every…single…day. I also have many incredible, happy memories – amazing, wonderful moments in time I will hold onto forever and cherish with all my heart.
But in between, I remember days and months of glorious un-eventfulness, filled with ordinary moments. These are the ordinary moments we tend to take for granted and not give a lot of thought as we go about our busy lives. But if you really consider it, these everyday moments are the foundation of our life; we may not recall every one in vivid detail, but they make up the background of our lives and are very special.
These quiet moments help shape who we are and how we think as we navigate through life. How I treasure those ordinary family moments when we could pretend that cancer never opened its dark door.
If you knew my son well, you would probably agree he was the king of derpy faces and he had a sarcastic wit. In so many of the pictures I took of him as a teenager, at the very last minute he would make a face. I would get so mad at him for ruining all the pictures. He would just laugh mischievously and give me the perfect smile, until I tried to take another picture and then it would repeat – much to my frustration!
I have a whole series of funny face pictures he took on my phone one day to entertain himself as we made the familiar drive home from the children’s hospital after he had received outpatient chemotherapy. At the time I chastised him good-naturedly for putting 30 funny face pictures on my phone!
I never really gave much thought to these imperfect images at the time. You see, I fully intended to delete them from my phone. After my son’s death as I frantically searched through all my pictures and memories, I discovered something quite astounding. These candid, “derpy” pictures are some of my most cherished! They really show my son’s funny, zany Noah self. I see his spirit so clearly in these pictures – how he used humor to always get through the rough patches.
Who knew at the time these things would become some of my most treasured memories?
Who knows what some of your most treasured memories will be as well?
So enjoy your “normal”; treasure it and realize the significance of a kind word or gesture and of just being present when you are tired and stressed after a long day. Really notice your “normal,” and you will see how wonderful your life really is.
Life can change in an instant – cancer steals this glorious normal from too many of us. Enjoy a normal day so many people fighting this battle would give anything to have back. Life is never normal after cancer; it is learning to survive and knowing you will never, ever live the life that you want most.
So enjoy every minute, and may the derp Gods be with you…
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